— Careers

We hire quietly.

Most of our team came to us through a friend of a friend. If you find your fit below, we will respond within a week.

Open roles.

Director of Stillness · Senior Leadership

Location withheld · $300k–$400k + a parking spot we will not tell anyone about
You will set the tone for the company by saying very little. You will call no meetings. You will not have a calendar. References will not be checked. Bonus if you have previously been described as "hard to read." 10+ years of executive experience required; we will not ask where.

Senior Avoidance Engineer

Remote (must remain remote) · $185k–$240k + chassis discount
Build the routing logic that keeps Weedamouse units out of camera frames, school pickup windows, and neighbors who "just want to see it." 5+ years engineering experience. You will never appear in a company photo, and you will be at peace with that.

Head of Eye Contact Minimization

Hybrid (the office is unlisted) · $210k–$275k + equity (please do not ask about valuation)
Own the handover protocol from doorbell ring to mouse-leaves-driveway. Must have personally avoided at least one major holiday family dinner. Comfortable with the phrase "I would rather not." Will report to the Director of Stillness (when she is in).

Eight-Second Handover Engineer · Driveways

On-call, graveyard shift · $140k–$180k + a Weedamouse (Standard tier, after 90 days)
The handover currently averages 8.4 seconds. Get it under 8. You may use any tool that is silent. You may not introduce a chime, a beep, or "a little jingle." We have had this conversation before.

Curtain Twitcher Liaison

Field role, eight pilot neighborhoods · $95k–$130k + plausible deniability
When a neighbor sees something and writes a Nextdoor post, you respond. With charm. With absolutely no information. You must have a neutral face and the ability to say "no, that was not us" while smiling. Background in HOA management or hostage negotiation a plus.

Whisker Alignment Technician

Wherever the depot is this week · $80k–$110k + tweezers
Each Weedamouse ships with three (3) chrome whiskers per side, hand-aligned to within 0.4 degrees. You would do that aligning. Steady hands required. Tolerance for very small screws non-negotiable. No prior whisker experience necessary.

Mouse Hole Architect

Warehouse design team · $145k–$185k + access to the largest mouse hole on record
Design the giant mouse-shaped depot exit doors that have become the company's signature visual. Background in industrial design or theater set construction. Must genuinely believe in mouse holes as an architectural form.

Ceremonial Lighter Polisher · Part-time

Saturdays only · $32/hr + headphones encouraged
The Premium tier ships with one (1) brass ceremonial lighter. Each is polished by hand. You would polish them. You will sit at a wooden bench in a quiet room with a single window. We do not check on you.

Weedatruck Driver · Optional

Overnight routes between depots · $70k–$90k + a route that avoids every gas station
Most runs are autonomous. You are along in case the truck "wants company." You will not be expected to drive unless asked. Bring a book. We pay you whether the truck wakes you or not.

What we offer.

  • Health, dental, vision. The usual stuff, no surprises.
  • Unlimited PTO. We genuinely do not want to see you.
  • Equity (no, we will not show you the cap table).
  • $4,200 annual home-office allowance. It is a number we like.
  • The right to never appear in a company photo.
  • One Weedamouse (Standard tier) on your 90th day, no charge.
  • Annual offsite. Each attendee picks a different city. Nobody is required to attend the same one.

How we hire.

  1. You apply. We may not reply right away. (Please do not follow up. We saw it.)
  2. If we are interested, someone you have never heard of emails you from an address ending in our domain.
  3. One conversation. Forty-five minutes. No whiteboards. No take-homes. No "tell me about a time you failed."
  4. If we like you, an offer letter arrives by Weedamouse, on a Tuesday, between 9 and 11pm.
  5. If we do not, you will hear back within 48 hours with a one-paragraph reason.

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(No, that email does not work. The site is a parody. No one is being hired. We are sorry — if it makes you feel better, we would have liked you.)